Are You Self-Sabotaging? 4 Questions to Ask Yourself

Hey Friend!

Are you guilty of self-sabotage? What is self-sabotage? 

It is that moment when you stop yourself and you get in your own way. You end up creating excuses like “I can’t”, “I shouldn’t” or “I won’t.”

It’s everything that keeps us from growing, from trying, or from stepping into something that we were called to do. We lean away from opportunities that we were supposed to say yes to. That is self-sabotage.

Do you think you are self-sabotaging? Let’s dive deep and ask ourselves these four questions so we can get out of our own way. 

Grab a notebook and pen, and let’s dive in!!

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Are You Self-Sabotaging? Ask Yourself These 4 Questions to Find Out.

Dictionary.com defines self-sabotage as the act or habit of behaving in a way that interferes directly with one’s own goals well-being, relationships, etc. 

As a verb, self-sabotage is defined as behaving especially habitually or compulsively in a way that interferes directly with your goals, well-being, and relationships. 

When you hear that, you are probably thinking that you never want to intentionally self-sabotage. But the reality is that we so often do this or maybe you already are.

Wherever you are right now, let’s dive deep into these 4 questions that I want you to ask yourself and journal over.

Remember to take action when journaling, don’t just write it down without following through. I want you to take action so you can stop self-sabotaging and start growing into success.

Question #1: Am I Coachable? Am I Willing to Hear Feedback Without Taking It Personally?

When I had my first real business coach and mentor, I was at a point where I didn’t want to do the 1:1 coaching anymore with my students. I was maxed out with work and utterly burnt out.

I wanted to shift to the course model for my online business but I was so scared because I thought my students weren’t going to get results without actually meeting with me in a 1:1 coaching setting. 

My coach looked me dead in the face after I explained this to her and said “You are so selfish to think that you cannot help multiple people at one time and you have to sit there and work 1:1 with people. You could be helping so many more people at the same time if you moved into what you already know you want to do.”

I was furious with her. 

But that memory is extremely highlighted in my mind because now I realize that she was 100% right. Sometimes we just need to take this step of faith, a step in a different direction, and allow coaching to take place.

It was scary for me at that moment because I was fearful I wouldn’t make that money using a different model (like online courses).  I was scared because I didn’t think people could possibly get results without me holding their hand and coaching them one-on-one. 

I was really in my comfort zone, but a comfort zone that didn’t allow me to stretch and grow because I was fearful of moving beyond that zone. And when we find ourselves in that place, we often become uncoachable. It means we are unwilling to hear the things that we need to change. 

Now, when I am in a room with people who are farther along than me and doing the things that I want to be doing, I raise my hand and think “What do I need to do and change so I can get where you are?” I am so excited to hear constructive criticism or positive criticism because that’s an opportunity for me to learn. People who are further along than us on the journey can be such wise counsel. 

So the question is, are you coachable and willing to hear feedback without taking it personally? 

If the answer is no, do some work on this. The faster you are willing to be coached by the people that God has placed in your life and the people you can trust, the sooner you can get out of your own way and stop self-sabotaging. 

Question #2: Am I Fixated on Where I Want to Go So Much That I Am Missing What Has Been Given to Me?

I think one of the biggest ways that we self-sabotage is that we fixate on all the things we want. We think: 

• When I become this. 
• Why don’t I have this?
• She has all this. 
• This is what I want. 
• This is where I want to be. 

We are so hyper-fixated on all the whens that we are missing the right nows.

That is a huge form of self-sabotage because there is no joy in the continual chase and the continual striving. The only true God-given joy is in the right now journey. I truly believe that. Do you? 

You will have more success and more growth when you are joyful in every moment. Don’t be so hyper-fixated that you are missing the blessing that’s already here in front of you.

Question #3: Do You Say Yes to Everything and Everyone Around You?

Are you consistently just running trying to catch up 24/7? If yes, you are self-sabotaging. It also goes the other way around. Do you say no too often? Are you painfully introverted to the point that you say no to every opportunity? 

What are your non-negotiables, what is your list of the things that make you the most incredible human that you can possibly be? 

My list of non-negotiables includes:

• Time with god daily
• Workout 4-5 times a week
• Eat clean food
• Get a ______  number of work hours per week
• And a ______ number of hours for family time each week

That varies – it’s not always static – we are human beings and we have different obligations at different times. But my 5 non-negotiables are set in place every week. If I don’t have time for everything else, then I just don’t have time but I don’t skip out on my 5 non-negotiables.

So, what are your non-negotiables? Write this down in your journal:

What is the life that you want to lead? 

What is success for you? Define it. 

What is the schedule that supports that success story that you want to write for yourself? 

Now, create that life, that vision for yourself, and then actually start living it. You are the only person who can change that schedule. And you are the only person who can say no to YOU.

You are the the only person who can determine what your boundaries are and when you do that work you actually create intentionality and focus in your life so you can show up bigger and better. This is how you stop self-sabotaging. And when you stop that you’ll also stop perfectionism or people-pleasing. These all play off one another. 

Non-negotiables and boundaries protect you from all of the human tendencies that we have. Boundaries are important, yes, but not in a negative or selfish way, but rather in a healthy, protective way for what God already has given you and what He has called you to do. 

So if you don’t have a non-negotiable list build it, and live it out as soon as possible. You want to create boundaries around it and protect it fiercely. This will change everything for you.

4: Am I Overlearning and Not Taking Action?

Are you the person who buys 10 courses and finishes half of them but does not actually implement anything?

Are you overlearning and not taking action or are you taking too much action without learning?

The easiest way to self-sabotage is to get stuck in one or the other.

You have to find that beautiful balance and that harmony between taking big action and learning what is the next right step. 

Be willing to take a lot of action but also be willing to pause and pray through it. 

It’s a harmony of learning, pausing, and also taking big courageous action. 

How do you do that?

Ask God. He is an incredible leader in your life. He is the best mentor. And He will help you every step of the way.

If you know you are an over-learner and not an action-taker, ask God to help you take action and for Him to show you what the next step is you are called to do. 

Pray this prayer:

“Or Lord help me pause and help me to rest. I’m an action taker and I’m having a hard time right now. Help me to pause and find the next mentor in my life who will help me learn and pause at the right time.”

Work on whichever one you lean less into — an action taker or a learner. I challenge you to find that harmony and start to learn more in the direction that you aren’t leaning into right now.

I always want to take action. And today I was on a mastermind call where there were breakout sessions. I thought to myself that I should just get off the call because I have all this other work to do. 

Action is what I typically lean into but on this day I thought, “No, I need to commit and lean into the learning this year. I need to be here and be present. It’s ok if I don’t take action for 45 more minutes.

I stretch myself in those moments when I want to go to my comfort zone tendencies and I push myself to do the opposite. That’s how we become balanced business owners — when we stretch beyond our comfort zone. And that’s how we become more purposeful and intentional. We need to practice the things that are not necessarily natural for us but are healthy and good for us when it comes to creating that fullness in our lives.

Recap!

Are you self-sabotaging?

Did you answer any of the following questions with a maybe, a yes, or a no?

1. Am I coachable and willing to hear feedback without taking it personally?
2. Am I fixated on where I want to go? 
3. Do I have focused non-negotiables that I build my life around?
4. Am I overlearning and not taking action or am I taking too much action and not learning enough?

There is so much growth in the uncomfortable stretch. This might feel triggering, and you may feel annoyed at yourself, but without being willing to see the areas you need to address, you will stay there forever.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and hoping something will change. It’s time to make a change and stop self-sabotage. I will tell you I was not coachable for a lot of years in my life. But I am so proud that I am now coachable and I am willing to hear from others how I can improve.

I am now wanting to learn from those who go before me and am willing to put my ego aside. I had to be intentional and practice. It wasn’t easy and I failed, but I got better. I was willing to practice and I have now stopped self-sabotaging.

And guess what? 

• My revenue is better
• My attitude is now better
• And I am generally a more well-rounded person who is giving back. 

If you are not coachable, you are definitely putting yourself in a box. I used to struggle with wanting to be perfect but it’s not that. It’s about being honest with yourself. What do I need to change and what work needs to be done? You are going to feel incredible when you look yourself in the mirror and answer all of these questions with a resounding yes. 

Are you willing to fail forward, working from a place of health in your mindset and in your body? Health in the way you show up for your work and willingness to learn and take action. It’s all available for you. It begins with the hard work and the willingness to change. 

If you are struggling to figure this all out, you find yourself coming up with excuses and leaning more into self-sabotage, I’d like to invite you to check out my course, Clarify Your Calling. You’ll have a clearer understanding of what that special calling is that God has placed on your life, and help you avoid participating in any type of self-defeating behaviors. I walk you through how to discover your God-led calling and help you create a five-tier brand map to provide clarity for your God-led success in business. 

I pray this blesses you!

Xo,

Stef

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