Unsupportive Spouses & Navigating Hard Conversations!

Hey friend!

Today we are digging into marriage, unsupportive spouses, and boundaries as a busy entrepreneur-mama. I chat with my friend and fellow podcaster, Lindsey Maestas about all the things that we face in marriage when we are trying to start or scale businesses.

We discuss how to have hard conversations and find common ground with our spouses, even when we think there’s no hope! If we can support each other in a deeper capacity, life is just easier!

I think you’ll love this one.

Enjoy.

P.S. Connect with Lindsey on her website, or podcast! You can grab her 6 Ways Your Phone is Changing You & Do You Need a Social Media Heart Check episodes here.

FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPTION:

(00:03):

Hey friends, I have a special treat for you today. I am jamming with my friend and fellow podcasting mama, Lindsay, Maestas. She is a wife, a mama to two little boys, a lifestyle blogger speaker and podcaster. And she, and I really dug into marriage as an entrepreneur, how to navigate an unsupportive spouse, how to really create those boundaries in your business. And we also kind of segwayed into how your phone is changing you as an entrepreneur.

So I think you’re going to absolutely love this. Whether you already have your online business or you’re just getting started. This conversation is a must. Now you’re going to love this. You guys, Lindsay is known for speaking vulnerably and candidly. She talks about relationships often, and she talks about really hard, real life situations between husbands, wives, relationships, and also running businesses with all the other things, right?

(01:03):

Children, spouses, trying to grow spiritually, trying to keep up with your faith. So I know that she’s going to be an awesome expert for you guys to connect with on the show. I know you’re going to absolutely love this one. Now, before we dig into the show, I wanted to remind you guys that I have so many amazing things that will support you in your journey of growing scaling and stepping into your calling work.

If you head to stefaniegass.com, I have a free workshop for you. If you are new around here, it’s four steps to clarify your calling. If you’re a tried and true Lola, and you guys know if you’re a Lola, cause you know who that is. That’s basically my avatar’s name. It’s all of you who are listening, who are really trying to create that kingdom business, uncover your gifts and use them for God’s glory to create an impact here on earth.

(01:57):

I have courses opportunities for you to work with me and all the things over at stefaniegass.com/courses or stefaniegass.com/coaching. So you can check those out there. And I’m just so excited. You guys, I just want to take a minute to lift you up and to acknowledge that you all that are listening are gifts from God.

The fact that we are all brought together to learn from each other, to be inspired, to find this community where we can learn and grow and even be challenged and be pushed to grow and be more like Jesus is such an honor doing this work is an honor. It feels absolutely surreal to me that I get to show up for you behind this mic.

Thankful it’s in my PJ’s with my iced coffee. I won’t, I’m not going to get it twisted right now, but I’m so honored that God has positioned me to be this mentor and this friend to all of you as you walk out this journey. So just from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being here. Thanks for being in my community. I love you guys so much. Let’s do this.

(04:11):

Hi Lindsay. I’m so excited to welcome you finally, to the show we met like eight years ago in person.

(04:19):

Thank you so much for having me. It’s an honor. And I’m so excited to kind of dig into the marriage realm of business.

(04:27):

I know me too, this is such a hot topic with my community and I’m kinda like Lindsay, Lindsay will come talk to you guys about this cause you’re a girl, you know, I don’t know. So start us off. Tell everybody a little bit about you Lindsay, and just maybe a quick synopsis of your journey as a busy entrepreneur mama and what you do.

(04:50):

So I started this about six years ago. started as a blog and I did that with extreme postpartum anxiety. I always joke. I was sitting on my couch, literally covered in spit up. My baby had horrible reflux and I just thought to myself, I really need something for me or I’m going to lose my sanity. And I had always done things like I had always been very business focused and determined. And so for me, I loved staying home, but I knew it wasn’t a long-term fit for me.

So I started then sharing some raw vulnerability. It was kind of that moment of my anxiety was so heavy that I was like afraid of my baby. And I looked everywhere online and I could see things in the medical field that talked about it, but I didn’t just see real people having those conversations and looking back now, my husband is honest and he says, you know, I was worried that like, you just had no idea how to be a mom.

(05:50):

And I was really concerned because you just didn’t seem to have that even like motherly affection. And I at all, because I was so depressed and anxious. So that was the first blog post that I put out was just kind of really raw. Like I don’t want to touch my baby when he’s in the car seat, I’m afraid I’m gonna break his bones. I can’t be alone with him.

You know, all these things that I was navigating and the response was just so encouraging to my heart because I was afraid of putting that one out. I didn’t, I didn’t want the people in my sphere to know those things. And so, but the response was just like, wow, thank you. You know, I’ve not read about this. And I think we’ve gotten so much better now about talking about postpartum and hormones and anxiety and depression, but I just wanted to do that.

(06:33):

And so then I kind of went on to talk about permissive acuity and my codependency and just like sexual struggles before marriage and how that flu went into my marriage after I was saved and it did well. So then I realized, oh, I want to talk more. So then I started a podcast, we did milk and honey podcasts, which did so well.

And it was me and a friend and we kind of realized we were ready to go and branch and do our other things. And so now I host the living easy podcast and I just released a course that has just been so blessed by God, the wife project from roommates to soulmates. That’s kind of what’s happening in my world.

(07:11):

That’s so fun. I know I was looking at your course, I think last night. And I was like, okay, I’m going to have to grab this one. Let’s talk. Your husband’s name is Jesse. Let’s talk about a time or many times. I’m not sure when you had big dreams and big visions for, I’m gonna start this blog and then I’m gonna start this podcast and then I’m gonna go, I’m gonna speak.

And I’m gonna do all the cool things that Lindsay does. Some of those, those times when maybe Jesse wasn’t sure. Or you guys had some, some of my entire, okay, like talk us through some of those issues that you faced with getting your husband on board.

(07:48):

Sure. It’s basically been the entirety of my ministry. And he, I will say he has always been supportive, but he is not always understood. So I had to come to a place where I realized he doesn’t fully understand what I’m trying to do. And so I spent a lot of time, I guess the word would be convincing him that what I’m doing has value and worth. And while he didn’t necessarily ask for those things, he didn’t ask for me to prove myself to him.

That’s kind of just my personality. I want to show you that what I’m doing has value and that God has called me to it. But that’s ultimately what it went back to. And I know not everyone woman has a godly spouse who loves the Lord and you know, wants the best for them even. And I wish and pray that that were the case, but because Jesse has a very entrepreneurial family, I think that has helped him.

(08:44):

However, throughout the process, there was a lot of conversation because you’re spending a lot of money. I was on investing in software and microphones and things that weren’t bringing a lot of income back in. I didn’t really know how to do the monetization part at the beginning. I kind of explained to him here are the things that I need to invest in, in some of those things are coaching from other people in courses for me to learn how to make the money, you spend money to make money.

That’s kind of how it works, unfortunately. But him seeing that money go out was always really hard on him because he’s like, okay, right. But when is the return going to be? And that’s when I had to get creative, because for me it started with just ministry focus. No, I wasn’t trying to profit anything, but we realized quickly, you know, there’s a lot of time that goes into recording the living easy podcast and editing the podcast and creating these courses to help women.

And you’re ultimately having to kind of eat the money. I had to learn then how to make it a business because I wanted to honor my husband in that as well. SAnd so while he was supportive and he always believed in me more than I believed in myself there were a lot of moments at the dinner table where he’s like, okay, so where’s the line, you know, where do we stop this at what point? And I’m like, keep the faith, bro.

(10:12):

We’re gonna do this. And we got this,

(10:15):

It’s going to happen. And the Lord has blessed us tremendously with the wife project. That was my first thing I ever sold. You know, aside like some like cute merge, right? And then I started doing social media coaching and that has been a huge blessing. And so for me, I’m like, man, I wish we could have gone back six years and to let him kind of see into the future, but he did still support. And now I’m like, look what, and I encourage him.

Cause I’m like you ultimately, even though you didn’t understand, even though you didn’t fully want this because you knew it stole time from our family, you knew it took money that you stayed the course with me and you were faithful with me knowing that God had called me to this. And now we get to see the fruits

(10:58):

Of our labor. You know, what I think is super interesting. A few things you said, you said that you communicated Lindsay the value and worth to you of that, of the different endeavors that you were digging into. And I think that at the root, I think most of y’all’s husbands, you know, they want you to be happy.

They want the best for you. And so are you communicating, Hey, like this is, this is ultimately like mission work for me. You know, this is something that will bring me so much joy and happiness and I don’t know all the, all the pieces, but I just have to do this. I feel in my heart and I need you to trust me and be with me. So like communicating that value and what it’s going to mean to you because they want the best for us. And the second thing you said, Lindsay, that I think is super interesting.

You said that Jesse was afraid that potentially you being successful at this would steal from the family time, would steal from him, maybe your marriage even. And I think so many of the women haven’t even considered that, that what, how are our husbands actually feeling about us going after something, maybe there’s some fears in their hearts about our success. Talk to me a little bit more about that.

(12:14):

Yes. So I think one thing that has been so imperative for our success and toward our success is the weekly check-ins that we do. And that is us. We sit down on the couch with coffee or at the dinner table with a glass of wine and we have conversations about our businesses our finances. It’s just a check-in of like, how are you doing?

And I talk a lot about in the wife project, like asking really hard questions that you don’t want to hear the answer to because that’s where growth comes in. And it’s easy to ask those questions. Like, how can I love you better? Or how did I not love you well this week and not having a defensive response, but to say, okay, thank you for sharing that with me. And that’s the end of the conversation, but I do those for us romantically.

(13:05):

But also with the business, I would say, Hey, so how are you feeling about what I’m doing right now? And it was kind of always the same response of I’m struggling, you know, I want it to do well, but I see this and I had to come to a place and this was really pivotal. I think for us where I said, if I don’t make another dime, but I still feel that God has called me to this to bear, to gospel, to make disciples, to love people well, to help change lives and just knowing they’re not alone.

And that there’s so much freedom and being honest with our sin and our struggles in our marriage and our relationships is that enough for you? It took him a moment, you know, because he’s like, well, but there’s money going out. I said, right, but your bringing in income and we in the moment had the ability to pour some of that money into my, to my ministry.

(13:56):

And I said, but God has blessed your business and your work in a beautiful way. Why would we not pour that back into the ministry that he has very, very passionately laid on my heart. And so that was pivotal for us. We were able to see it through the lens because it’s easy to get money focused, you know, and I do not want to be a lover of money. I don’t want to idolize my money. I want to give as much of my money away as I can, because it is not mine.

It’s the Lords. I don’t say that nonchalantly, like that’s something that we’re really passionate about is our generosity. And knowing that the money that comes in is not ours to hoard and to hold on to it, doesn’t come with us. And, and I want this ministry, this business I’m building to pour back into the ministry and the business.

(14:41):

And so it was, it was a hard conversation and there were still moments where he was like, yeah, you know, but hearing his heart and doing those weekly check-ins to get to him and to say, I care about you and I care about your concerns. And I love you enough to listen and not just get defensive and say, but this is what I love. Okay. This is what I’m going to do. Right. But to instead say, I get you, I hear you. I receive that. And I respect you in our marriage.

And I want to honor that. So are there some cuts I can make with my website? Are there some plug-in cuts I can make to where I’m not spending money on that? Or can I do less giveaways, you know, and finding and navigating through those things. Because I do think, and let me say this, and I am very honest about this because I think it’s important.

(15:27):

There are a lot of women out there who pay money, for course, after course, after course learning how to do these things. And then they never actually do them. Right. If you were one of those women, I would say, you’re not stewarding your money wisely. I’ve taken two courses. And I implemented them immediately and I utilize the knowledge.

So it’s important to not just be expending all of this income, because then yeah, your spouse is likely going to feel like it’s very wasteful. You take what you learned from a course that you it’s, it’s a valued individual. You know, their work, you trust them. You watch take their course. And then you use that information in the best way.

You don’t just kind of keep hopping through and hoping that somebody is going to do it for you. Nobody’s going to do it for you. So you also want to honor your husband and being wise with your finances as

(16:21):

Well. That’s all such wise advice. And I love the weekly. Check-in, that’s not something that we do. And I so need to do that. And I’ve heard this from multiple people that I, that I trust. And so what we are going to implement that, and I’ll report back to you Wednesday. And I also liked the other piece that you said, which was asked hard questions that you don’t want to hear the answers to.

Because again, when you bring the things to light that you’re harboring inside of your heart, they have no more power over your marriage. So I talk about this often in our businesses, but it also in our marriages and in any aspect, but specifically when it comes to the business piece.

And then the third thing Lindsey said that I love so much was don’t be wasteful, be mindful of those investments that you are making, and don’t make an investment that you’re not going to take action on.

(17:12):

Don’t even do it because that isn’t honoring him, your family or your business, if you’re going to make that investment in that thing, do it. So y’all dust off those old courses, get them out and do the work. Okay. So Lindsay, a lot of the girls in the community have been in my inbox lately talking about a truly unsupportive spouse.

They feel that their spouse is completely unsupportive. They don’t get it. They’re actually negative about the girls building their dreams or trying to do this thing. Do you have any words of encouragement for them or maybe even, how do they approach these hard conversations with someone who really doesn’t seem to even want to have it?

(17:51):

Yes. Okay. Number one, I would say the power of prayer is often diminished and it is left as a last resort. And I will say that I have seen in my own marriage, in my own life, the Ru power of reigning over your husband for him, not only to have a ministry focused heart and a missional heart but to be softened by God and to bring us that God will bring us together as one in our visions.

So I have a friend who woke up one day and lived in Albuquerque and she said, God is telling me we’re moving to Australia to start a church. And I was like, okay, cool. You know, but the first thing I ask is is your husband feeling the same thing? Because once you’re married, you are one in God in the spirit are going to work together in your marriage to bring peace to the things that he has called you to.

(18:53):

And so while this is not always the case with things immediately where they see your vision, they get it, they understand they support. There will eventually be that because the spirit is guiding.

And if you’re praying and saying, Lord, if this really is your will truly for me to do this, bring Jessie and I bring my husband and I onto the same page, give him a peace, give him a resolve about what I’m pursuing and know that that prayer is not, you know, it’s like, okay, I’m going to communicate and I’m going to nag him.

And I’m going to kind of throw all of my ideas onto him. And then maybe I’ll do like a 32nd prayer. Let that prayer lead the way. Let that prayer be the main focus of everything that you do because only God can change the heart. I say, constantly in the wife project, God did not create you to be a fix him wife.

(19:40):

He called you to be a love him wife. So loving him through his, his lack of understanding while also sharing that. Secondly community is huge. There have been so many moments where Jesse and I have brought friends over, who are also in the entrepreneurial realm and we’ve picked their brain. We find those people whether it’s in your church or in your friend group or whatever it might be.

We hear from them and it helped Jesse a lot of the time to hear either from supporting husbands when he was struggling, that they share their wisdom. Just kind of give their perspective of the things that they have gone through. And then they’re able to say, yeah, you know, like we, we battled this too. We went for years, but don’t lose hope because this like, look at the fruit of this, or even on the other end, you go in there, like, yeah, I’m really struggling.

(20:33):

And this is a battle. And we somehow ended up counseling them, which then encourages Jesse’s heart because he sees, okay. You know, like there are good things in this and, and seeing other women who are doing the same thing and having the same struggles as me, but feeling passionate, I think it just brings it together to not feel so like you’re so isolated in your vision. And then for men to hear from other men is always really helpful.

And then of course, you know, I’m a huge advocate of counseling. I always say, don’t let the house burn down before you seek help. Wait, when that first flame pops up or even just a little spark start pursuing that counseling. And the wisdom from an outside mentor who has perspective, who can breathe life into your marriage rather than allowing it to be something where you’re constantly just trying to convince your spouse.

(21:21):

And then what is that going to do? It will create resentment. And I think once you have the peace of the Lord in that relationship, once he has the peace of the Lord in the ministry, you’re not going to have to really convince him anymore. It just gets to a point where you say, you know what? We are on mission together. And while you’re fully unsupportive in this season, for whatever reason I feel called to this lastly, I would say compromise.

I think compromise is huge. What is inconveniencing him about this the most? Is it your time, your energy, your lack of ability to do other things? Is it your money going into, you know, things that really are not bringing fruit, be wise in your compromise, they’ll come together and say, Hey, I know you don’t get this. I know you fully do not support this.

(22:17):

And that’s really hard on me and it hurts my heart, but I want to honor you also. And I think him even just seeing that respect in that love will hopefully in turn, allow him to pour that back out. But you know, for me, I didn’t take time away at the beginning of my ministry to, you know do this. Like I really didn’t take time away at all. I did the things that I had committed to do as a stay-at-home mom.

I was faithful with my children. I put my phone away and then from 9:00 PM to 12 or 1:00 AM every evening I did all of my work and I just knocked it out. And was I tired the next day? Absolutely. But it didn’t affect my husband. We put Sutton down at seven. Both boys down at seven, we started their bedtimes pretty early, really for this reason.

(23:05):

And then from seven to 8 45, Jessie and I would have our time together so that I wasn’t stealing from him. And the nine to 12, nine to one every night, I would just nail stuff out. And, and so it wasn’t feeling. And then it did feel more like, okay, this is my baby. I’m not interfering.

And having that compromise, but all the while praying that your husband will come to a place to where now, you know, Jessie scheduled sitters for me, Jesse takes the kids while I’m doing my work. He comes alongside and asks like, how much money do you need for these ads? He’s willing and ready to give because he’d seen the fruit. But then also I think I have worked really hard to honor in our marriage throughout the whole process.

(23:48):

Yeah. I love so many pieces. So number one was prayer. And I have a funny thing on that too. Like even in, even now, like in the, the moment of an actual like discussion or even an argument, I’ll just be like, holy spirit come, like, you gotta get up to speed here. Like, give me the words, use this for good, like shift his perspective right now something’s got to change.

And so in the middle of a fight, we can let emotion and our worldly flesh take over, or we can literally surrender in the middle of an argument. And every time it’s crazy Lindsey, like the hand of God will come down and my husband say something out of left field and like shift the wet. I’m like, hi, who are you? Like, this is crazy. Or you know, even yesterday God turned this, this discussion that we were having into this like beautiful opportunity for growth in our marriage.

(24:37):

And I was like, wow. So that rare, like before you go to him, you’re praying, like even in the conversation, I’m like, God, give me the words, God. Like, I don’t even know. Like, I don’t know, like, so prayer, I love that so much to godly friends and mentors so much. And I think too, for the women listening, who is that friend has the really supportive spouse, invite them over for dinner. Like you can kind of like, you know, be sly here with Eagle it.

Yeah, exactly. And then three counseling mentors. That was huge for me, as well as like finding the right people that I could speak to that would give me back biblical sound advice, not screw him. He’s not recording. You know, it was like, Stefanie, check your ego at the door. When’s the last time you were hanging out with your family.

(25:23):

So for, and for me, the last one was compromised, but Lindsay mentioned, and as an example here, you know, I was a workaholic. And so I would work all the time every second. And that when God revealed to me all of those idols that I had, and I was breaking those down and it’s still a struggle, I had to make hard boundaries that didn’t steal from him anymore.

Deleting social on the weekends. I do it every weekend. Now I don’t work past 6:00 PM. Like there’s things I had to do that were uncomfortable at first, but that transformed the way that he, he saw the why I was building the business was for him and the kids truly and not for myself. Yeah. And so I love all of those things. Those are all super, super helpful.

(26:04):

Yeah. And I, I had mentioned, I have two episodes on the living easy podcast. One is called six ways. Your phone is changing you. And the other one is social media, heart check. And they’re two of my most downloaded episodes of all time. Because it really does, it goes into that 70. And I think that’s so wise of you to be deleting your apps.

Like I delete mine on Sundays and we are just without it all, you know, and I also have gotten to a point finally, I mean, just this year where I’ve been able to hire a team and that has been tremendous one, I will say it is not easy to hand over these things that you worked so hard on to other people and to say, okay, I’m trusting you with it. But if you do have any means where you’re at, I mean, even if it’s two hours a week, like it really can be so basic.

(26:51):

What does that say? $15 or $30 a week where you’re giving someone the ability to run your social, or here’s what I say, whatever sucks the most life out of you and the most joy out of you hand it over. It is not part of that. Like for me, Instagram is that I really struggle with just feeling constantly defeated by Instagram and the algorithm and all of these things.

And it’s like this super high high some days, and then the super low, low, and I’ve just prayed like, Lord, I know this is not what you have for me. This is not how I want to spend my life. And I say on these podcast episodes, I mentioned at the end of our lives, I think our greatest regret. I mean, I truly believe this, that it in the 1940s, it was that they worked too much, you know, or they were too distracted or whatever.

(27:38):

Now I genuinely believe on our deathbeds, we’re going to say, I wish I did not look at my phone so much. I wish I lived in my realm and didn’t spend so much time scrolling through the lives of people I’ve never met. And instead spent more time looking into the eyes of my children and my family and my husband and my loved ones. And so I will say that is the greatest blessing to me is to create those healthy boundaries and to my family.

My husband has seen that, you know, like when I would wake up in the morning, three years ago, I couldn’t even get the kids or help. Cause I’m like, no, I have to post. And I wasn’t scheduling. And I wasn’t being wise with my time either. So now scheduling it out, asking for help, handing over the things that you know are important, but here’s the thing.

(28:21):

They are just as important to God now as they were when you were doing them. So know that God’s hand is still in it. Of course you oversee, of course you monitor. But if you have just a little bit of a helping hand, it can really tremendously impact the boundaries that you have so that you are able to honor your family time and not coming to a place where you’re regretting it.

Because I mean, I look back and I truly like, I can’t live in regret and I know there’s no condemnation in Christ Jesus. And for me, it’s like, you know, I wish three years ago I would have had more boundaries, but now here’s where I’m at. So I’m going to choose to learn from that to grow from it. I always say on my podcast, nothing changes. If nothing changes, if you’re not going to make an effort to change your life is going to look exactly the same.

(29:05):

I mean, God’s spirit, prunes and sanctifies, but we’re also called to inactive faith. And so what boundaries are you setting to just show your family? Like, you’re my priority. You are my first ministry. Yes. All of these people are important to me, but your, my first ministry and I’m not going to sacrifice that for the sake of people I’ve never met.

I mean, truly like my little children, this is a, these are kingdom focus. This is kingdom focused work that I’m doing. And every single day matters with them. You know, even the failures matter with them. And so I want to make much of that and honor the Lord in my ministry and not place it as an idol for success in my life.

(29:45):

Yeah. And this is something my girls know. I will start yelling at you. Like you think you heard me preach Lindsay, and you’re on your show. Like I get crazy on this topic. So I would love to hear, we have a couple of minutes. What for them looking at this going, they’re triggering my heart right now on this phone stuff on the, I don’t have boundaries, but I’m so addicted.

I can’t build my business without the phone. I can’t, I have to be there and I’ve heard staff say, but it’s not resonating. What, what do you have as like steps or tacticals or anything on your heart for the, these women going, but I’m so afraid to lay it down.

(30:21):

And I think, I mean, definitely listen to that episode cause I go fully in depth. The six ways your phone is changing you specifically. But I would say one, I think that is the struggle. The phone addiction is such a common, widespread addiction that we do not see it as an addiction. We can see the alcoholic who has the addiction because we are not alcoholics. We can see the drug addict because they are not, we are not drug addicts.

But when we look at the phones, it is so common for people to go to bed, not looking at their spouse, but looking at their phones to literally have their children talking to the top of their heads as they’re looking down at their phones. And so I don’t think the fear should be in letting it go. I think the fear should be in allowing this to be the constant in our lives.

(31:05):

And the pattern that we live in it is hard. I am not saying like as a business owner, when this is like my world, I am constantly checking emails, answering DMS, like updating posts. You know, I even contract work out for churches to run their social media. So I’m on their social media and it is very, very hard, but I think one is seek acknowledgement of it. I think that’s the biggest, and first step of like, I genuinely have an addiction to this phone.

And the way that you can tell that is just go into your settings and look at your screen time. You might be absolutely blown away. If you’ve never looked at that, how many hours you’re spending. I mean, I have had an eye, like, we’ll just be honest and admit, I have had up to 12 hours on my phone during the day.

(31:52):

And I will say that’s usually business days and work days, but sometimes it’s eight hours and it’s not a business day. And I’m like, how on earth do you realize? So a few things, I recommend practical steps after acknowledging, you know, this is a struggle amongst many people. And this is kind of a question I say, ask yourself, am I looking into my phone more than I’m looking into the eyes of my child?

Am I looking at my phone more than I’m looking into the eyes of my husband? If the answer is yes, which for a lot of us, it is okay, I’m acknowledging I have a phone addiction. I’m acknowledging I, I need to live in the real world. I need to live in, you know, my reality in my life or I’m going to look back and this is going to be a regret that acknowledgement.

(32:33):

And then step two just practical wisdom would be get a phone tracker app. There are a few I listed on the podcast. I don’t have them on hand right now. But there are some that will just shut. I mean, you can do it on your settings now to where you can shut apps down. After a certain amount of time, you can look at your hours, but set boundaries. I mean set actual limits.

It’s really easy to say, you know, if this goes off and it shuts down, like I still need my phone, but you have to set those boundaries in advance. And so I even say, put a passcode on it and have your husband put the passcode. And then you can’t, you can’t because how easy is it to be like, oh, just 10 more minutes. Oh, just 15 more minutes.

(33:13):

And then you keep like, you keep falling into the same pattern. But that, I mean, that really comes to idolatry. What are we worshiping that we cannot take steps away from the phone. We are worshiping ourselves. There’s a funny, Jim, Gaffigan’s get, he’s like a clean cleanish comedian. But he says, you know, I’m going to go to the gym and work on myself and open my phone to Facebook and look at myself and you know, like it’s all self, self self, and that’s really the idolatry of our time.

We are wanting to self promote, self love, self care. God says, no, lay down your life and follow me, pick up your cross and follow me. It is not about us. And when we get so caught up in that, we really lose the, the joy and the peace because you’re never ladies ever going to find that satisfaction in that piece.

(34:05):

And the number of likes, because there’s always going to be more out there and a desire for more. You’re always going to be able to compare to someone better. And that is why the Bible talks so openly and so intently about envy and it being a root that it just breeds evil ultimately. And so put those app trackers on your phone, where you’re T I mean, they’re so easy to find now and set a password.

Three, I think it’s asking for accountability for people in your circle, ask friends, family mentors, your spouse, be cautious with the spouse thing because you don’t want it to be like cause issues, but just say, Hey, here’s where I’m at. We have boundaries at our dinner table. There are no phones allowed. We have a little basket on our, on our island. And so it’s way away.

(34:54):

We have two islands. So it’s the furthest island and we put our phones into the basket and then we go to the dinner table. If it rings, if it buzzes, whatever, usually we just shut them off. So there’s no distraction. That is our time. And it’s breakfast, lunch dinner. If we’re at the table, phones are not allowed. And then lastly, I would say is being really intentional with where your phone is.

So if I’m on a coffee date with a friend and I have my phone and I’m just going to put it for my own reference, but I have my phone sitting up on the table. Does my friend feel like the most important person in that room? No. They immediately feel second best to your phone because if something lights up, it will draw your attraction. Even if they’re in mid-sentence, it will draw your attraction to the phone.

(35:38):

Even if it is face down, you are still saying, I have something of greater importance than you in this space. And so for me, like I, after actually recording that episode, I was so convicted because I was praying through, and that was something the Lord brought to me that now anytime I am at a lunch or at a dinner or to coffee, or even with a friend, my phone stays in my purse or in a different room. I do not bring it out with me.

And I actually get a lot of comments about that, which has encouraged my heart because it didn’t use to be that way to where people are like for what you do. And this is in the past year, I would say, not to praise myself, but to say, this is taking active work. That is not easy for me, but they’ll say like, I’m just really encouraged that like, when I’m here, I’m, it’s just me.

(36:24):

Like, you’re not, you have, I know you have a bunch of messages, but you’re not concerned about them. Like my friends probably have their phones out more than I do. And this again is to not boast in myself. It’s to say that wasn’t the case two years ago, but it has taken intentionality. And I’m so thankful for those moments where like, yeah, I’ll go take a picture. My phone goes right back into my purse because I want to live a present life.

And again, coming back to our husbands, if they see that and they, they are feeling like they are still the priority, I think they will have a harder or an easier time accepting what you’re doing. Can I add one more thing? This is so important. I spent so many years ruining special moments because I needed photos and videos. I needed a picture for my Instagram.

(37:13):

I needed, you know, this next thing. And I’m like, it’s just one. It’s just one. But every special event then required me to have my phone out, to yell at my family because I’m like, what is the behind the scenes look like? Stop, stop fighting, smile. You know, like it’s not actually enjoyable. The behind the scenes rarely is, especially when you’re stressed taking a photo, instead of just being candid that has been, you know, really life-changing that I don’t do that anymore.

I will enjoy, like I said, if I’m at a party, I’ll keep my phone in my purse. I will enjoy the moment. If I go on vacation, I will say, okay, I have 20 minutes, whoever I’m with. Do you mind? We schedule it out. So they know to prepare, especially my husband. He needs preparation for these things. 20 minutes of photos in this spot, in the rest of the trip.

(38:02):

I may take stories like occasionally if we’re not having deep conversation, but I will keep my phone away.And then I will schedule like every three months I schedule three hours worth of photos to outfit changes to location changes, knock it out for three months. So I’m really only doing it four times a year. It has eased the burden on my husband in the most tremendous way.

He hated being in those fixtures. He hated the time and the energy that it sucked from our family when we were just trying to enjoy our day. And so I’ve committed now. I’m no longer going to interrupt our day for the sake of my Instagram. Like I’m going to live in the present. If something comes up and an opportunity comes up, I will ask him, Hey, are you good? If we just take a quick photo? If he’s like, oh, I don’t feel like it. I don’t whine and complain and get. I just say, got it. I didn’t schedule it. I didn’t prepare you.

That’s on me. And so we’ll do it. Again, he’s not walking all over me. My husband is the most incredible manual here. If you purchase the wife project course, he’s just incredible. But I also need to respect his boundaries with this. He didn’t ask for this either. So

(39:07):

That’s kind of a lot, but that’s yeah. I’m so here for that. And I’m so glad he brought all of those things up, Lindsay, because that is huge on my heart too. It’s like a huge piece of my mission work also is letting go of those things that we think we have to have to be successful in business that are really just robbing us. Yeah. It’s just stealing from us from those moments, from our, from our husbands, from, from our children like, oh man, you just, it hits my heart. When you said, are you looking in your phone more than the eyes of your kids or your hands?

(39:38):

And it’s like, it wrecks me every time I think

(39:40):

About it. Thank you. And I’m good. I’m good at this. And I still hate it. Yeah. Question. So I can only imagine, but you guys, here’s the thing, you know, God is a Redeemer and you can change that behavior. It starts with making the decision. It starts with saying, I am done. I am done with this addiction. I am sick of it and making that intentional choice every day.

And if you have to delete the apps completely for 30 days or forever, you have permission because you can still build a business. This is what I teach you guys. Right. We start a podcast and we grow it and we scale it using other methods like Pinterest and all of those places where it’s one to many and we let go of that. We can’t win anyway. Right? Lindsay, we can’t win the algorithm. We can’t win. It’s it’s all it is. Is there as a promotion tool I could be in there 10 minutes a day, three days a week, or not at all, actually.

And my business would still grow, but you have to take your life back. So everything Lindsey said times 1000000%. I’m so here for that, you guys I’ll link her episode that she mentioned in the show notes for you and Lindsay, where can everybody come find you and hear more of this amazing wisdom?

(40:47):

Well, thank you for your encouragement. I am on Instagram at living easy with Lindsey and that I really focus heavily on marriage and sex and relationships, friendships. That is a biblical with a biblical foundation, just focusing on the raw and the real kind of just like Stefanie. You know, I lay it all out because I have nothing to hide. And when my sin is in the light, Satan loses his power over it.

And so when I come to you about marriage, I’m not coming from a holier than now perspective, which I hope you can hear on this show. There’s nothing that I have achieved or accomplished because God is still working on me. But I like to be honest and open about those things and the trust issues in my marriage or the struggles with sex and intimacy that we have faced in what I’ve learned through experience with other counselors and with other married couples who’ve gone before me.

(41:36):

And just what the Lord is, teaching me about it. So you can find me on Instagram at living easy with Lindsay and then on the living easy podcast. And then the wife project course, we actually are closing it. It’s I open it quarterly. So it will be opening again in October, but the waitlist link is in my bio.

And you guys can launch, we’ve had thousands of women who have signed up and it’s just been really incredible. And so in the wife project, we basically just address the hard moments in marriage. When your spouse doesn’t uphold their own responsibilities.

When you feel like you’re constantly in conflict, because they are not a believer or they don’t lead you or they’re spiritually dry when they have different expectations for intimacy and we really just dig deep into what it means to be a woman who is chasing God and who loves God and your faith is strengthened so much in this course in such a way that it just pours out over and onto your marriage. Phil. That is my heart with it.

(42:31):

Thank you, Lindsay, for blessing us today and sharing with us. And we’ve just been so inspired by your message. Yeah. I’m sure that we’ll be reconnecting

(42:39):

Again soon. Thank you for having me separately. Well, mama show review real quick before you go. If this podcast has blessed you in some way, the number one way you can thank me is to leave a written review for the show over on apple podcasts. I seriously am lit up every time I hear from you guys.

Every time that I see that this show has impacted your life in some way. So if you’ll do that for me, I would be super grateful. The second thing you can do is take a screenshot of this episode or of your review and go share it in your Instagram stories and tag me at Stefanie Gass. I’ll share you in my stories and then together we can share the love. God bless you, sis!