My Alcohol Story. 15 Years Normalizing Over-Drinking to Freedom

Oh hey friend!

Yeah… you read that title right. I have an ‘alcohol story’ (*vulnerability hangover coming in hot). When Michelle Porterfield entered my last round of Podcast to Profit and I helped her optimize her business model, I knew Holy Spirit was calling me to share my story for her audience on her podcast, Set Free Sisterhood.

But… I was scared! My past felt embarrassing, gross, and it seemed easier to tuck it away in a nice, unseen place.

By the end of working with Michelle, Holy Spirit had convicted me to ask her if I could share my testimony on her podcast.

She said yes, we prayed, and here it is. I wanted to share this on my platform as well because I know there is someone out there who is ready for freedom and knows it’s time to ask themselves some hard questions.

I made excuses and hurt my body for far longer than I needed to. I lied to myself about why I ‘needed a drink to have fun’ for too long. And I want to help YOU see that there is freedom on the other side of idols, addiction, and worldly norms.

I pray that this testimony blesses someone today, in Jesus’ name.

Grab some popcorn, it’s about to get raw.

FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPTION:

(00:00):
Hey, sister! Happy Thursday! Today I have a super vulnerable episode for you that I actually recorded over on Michelle Porterfield’s podcast, Set Free Sisterhood, and it’s my entire alcohol journey. I’ve probably dropped snippets to you here and there, especially in the past six months or so, but holy spirit really shook me and asked me to come on Michelle’s show and share my entire story.

(00:26):
So today I’m bearing it all. And I just pray that this can bless someone that’s listening to today’s show that through this testimony, someone will find freedom. And if that happens, it was worth it. Cause sharing your past is sometimes not sometimes, always hard and embarrassing and rough, but I’m here. I’m doing it. I’m bearing all today. So grab a bag of popcorn. It’s about to get real.

(01:59):
Hey ladies! Today, I’m with my amazing friend and mentor coach, Stefanie Gass. I’m so excited to have you today.

(02:08):
Hi Michelle. Hello everyone. I’m so excited to be here.

(02:13):
So first I want you to tell them who you are and then we’ll go from there.

(02:18):
I am a daughter of the king. I’m a wife, I’m a mom. I have two boys, so it’s always crazy over here. I live in the country and I help women find what they’re called to do, help find their voice and then build a business out of it using podcasting and coaching. So I’ve been Michelle’s coach before and we worked together.

(02:44):
When Michelle and I were in our last program together and I heard all the amazing things that she was doing and the mission that she had for all of you when it comes to really breaking free from alcohol and I raised my hand and I’m like, Michelle, do you want me to come be on the show because I have a past with this and holy spirit just kind of tugged at me to come share. So that’s why I’m here. And that’s just a little bit about me also. I love PJ’s and coffee.

(03:12):
Yes, comfy pants all day. So that’s, what’s so cool about this because you do have some history, even when you were younger, I remember hearing your story like in your twenties and things. And then recently I heard an episode about idols and I thought you just shared so beautifully and that’s really when it comes down to it, that’s what this is in our lives, those of us who struggle, it’s an idol.

(03:37):
So I would love just to hear from your perspective of now, as I know you as this amazing successful entrepreneur that just loves on others and is so focused on God first in your business and how you do that with other women, I would love to hear a little bit just about your history and your story, and then sharing kind of how wine became a part of it. And even other things as an idol and a little bit about what you did to remove it.

(04:05):
Sure. And just Michelle, just stop me when you have a question, cause I’ll just go on. So I’m gonna rewind all the way back to Stefanie Gass childhood. So I think that for me, and I think for so many of you, things become normalized in our childhood.

(04:26):
So for me, seeing alcohol consumption began at birth because my dad was a big drinker and his dad was a big drinker and I don’t know how many generations back that went and it was normal. And I had no idea the extent of his drinking until I was an adult and my mom was able to tell me that about the extent. And our parents do the best that they absolutely can and I don’t blame him for any of this. I want to put all that out there.

(04:53):
And I want to say that he came a long way and I think we just do the best that we can. So going back, he, my dad drank from as early as I can remember, you know, there was always a beer, always a beer all the time. And it was just normal. And I think the way that I grew up, my mom would just separate us from him when he’d be drinking.

(05:16):
We’d go to the library for four hours. We’d go to the park for four hours. She’d drive to Albuquerque from Los Alamos to go visit family randomly at 9:00 PM. Like I just didn’t know that was like not normal. And she just did a great job of getting us out of the house because when he drank, he’d be very angry and you just want to stay away from him.

(05:39):
And so that’s kind of how we grew up. And just more of like a fear state of don’t get in dad’s way when he’s drinking cause who knows like he’s going to outburst at you or get angry over something small. So that happened. They ended up getting divorced when I was in third grade and we moved to Albuquerque with my mom.

(06:00):
My mom never drank at all. I think she had this really traumatic childhood in so many ways.She raised all her siblings and it was really hard for her. Then she, she has this caring, loving nature about her and she wants to help people. And I think she’s recognized the difference now between helping people and saving people, right? Like if any of you have been in that position.

(06:25):
So she was in that relationship to fix and to be a help and to be a savior, but you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. So they ended up getting divorced and my childhood was fine. We went back and forth between his house and her house. And I don’t remember so much from that time.

Once we ended up in middle school, I started looking for validation and I think this comes down to where my story begins and the personality that we all have is so incredibly important for us to recognize.

(06:59):
Because my personality is that of an achiever just naturally, I’m a leader, I’m an achiever, I’m a driven person. I am an encourager. And those are so wonderful when they’re partnered with God. And those personality traits, any of our personality traits, any of the greatest things about us can also be used in a worldly way, right? The enemy wants to come in and exploit your gifts.

(07:24):
And if you are not being intentional about the way that God created your gifts to be used for His glory, we’re going to be in trouble. So where does he capture us? At our weakest. When we’re in middle school, high school, college, when we’re going through divorces or when we’re going through hard things, it’s like, let me grab onto this weakness. And if you don’t know who you are in Christ, you better hold on, you’re about to go on a rollercoaster.

(07:47):
So that was me. Middle school, high school, searching for recognition, all the wrong places, validation. Oh, it feels good to be recognized. Start looking for attention. High school comes around. I start drinking very early. I think had my first drink of alcohol in eighth grade. By ninth grade I was finding excuses to go out, came home for the very first time blackout drunk, got dropped off on my porch of my house and was left there.

(08:17):
I was covered in urine and throw up. They left me on the front step, rang my doorbell and ran away because they didn’t know what to do with this chick. You know, we’re all freshmen in high school. And my mom finds me that way and she’s terrified. She’s crying. She’s having, and I don’t remember any of this. She’s crying having this crazy breakdown. She calls my dad. He lived in Albuquerque at this point.

(08:42):
He comes over and he says, she’s just drunk, just put her to bed. Like, it’s just the normal thing. This is just normal, you know, just put her to bed. So they did. And I started throwing up in my sleep that night, gagging, she stayed up all night long to watch me how to keep turning me over because I mean, I probably should’ve gone to the hospital.

(09:00):
So that was the first of many, many nights like that, Michelle, all the way from freshman year through mid twenties, quite frankly, always looking for an excuse to go out and party. And once my twenties came around, so that was kind of just normal, I remember my mom finding a bottle of vodka in my closet at the age of like 16 asking me if I had a drinking problem. And I said, no, that’s just my vodka.

(09:31):
The question that I have is, do you remember what it is that kept you going back? Because some would say, oh my God, what a miserable experience? Didn’t you feel terrible and the throwing up and weren’t you afraid? What was it that it did for you at that time?

(09:51):
You know, I really struggled with that question because, when I look back I’m like, why was I so broken? What was I looking for? I had everything. I had great grades cause I would get it together and I still show up right as an achiever. And then we’d go out and I think it was belonging. It was looking cool. I thought that that made me look cool. I thought that that made me be attractive or fun.

(10:20):
And you’d look for that liquid courage and I’d want to be the one standing out in the room. And I thought that that’s what alcohol made me be because I was in the wrong crowds. I was in the popular group where everybody was drinking like that and people were doing drugs and thank God, I didn’t get too deep into the drug scene.

(10:38):
Because that would have been, I mean, I could have died. There were so many things that we did that were so stupid. I could have absolutely died and there’s been multiple times, I won’t go into this, but like, I have had an angel encounter. I’ve been saved from a car accident when I was drunk driving.

I’ve been saved by an angel. So the point is like, I don’t know what I was searching for other than thinking this lie, that alcohol made me something that other people would matter to other people.

(11:10):
Accurate. Totally. I can totally relate, cause I started about the same age. So it’s interesting because of course, I didn’t know that, about your history and it’s very refreshing when we have these conversations from where we are now, because I think so many women talk about the struggle they’re having now, but then they haven’t gone back yet to see where the patterns kind of started, especially when, because you’re going to share this too, there’s seasons in your life where it just wasn’t a thing. I was the same way.

(11:38):
So I think that’s super important. And I know for me it was that it was the belonging and that was that’s what made me cool. I remember when I smoked my first cigarette in sixth grade is because I wanted to look cool. And it was probably too, for me, knowing my wiring now was to turn off my brain.

(11:57):
I never thought of that, Michelle.

(12:00):
From the overachieving and the all that, it’s like, the only thing that clicked it off.

(12:06):
So my brain just exploded. Maybe that’s totally what it was. When you’re in your teens, it’s just party. It’s the party sense of it all. Well then enter into my twenties, it was still partying through college, but then a little bit over that, like 24, like 20, 23, 24, 25, even 26, 27, like that whole thing, like my poor mother, I’m like, I am so sorry, this went on for so long. Y.

(12:32):
I think that she probably prayed, like she never prayed for like 15 years of my life. And I’m like, look, your prayers, like to God be the glory. Cause, look at me now. That’s like the hardest part of this for me, Michelle is like, look what we did to other people. It’s not like, whatever, I’m fine now. But like holy smokes, what I put her through. It’s just so hard for me to forgive that, I have, but it’s so hard. So mama, I’m sorry.

(13:03):
And the Lord sustained her, clearly you can say that now. So He was there for her.

(13:09):
So in my twenties it became more of like a, when can I drink? When can I drink it? Three o’clock? Is it too early to drink? Oh, if I hang out with this friend, it’s normal for us to drink at noon. But hanging out with this friend it’s normal. Oh, I have a headache. I should probably just drink, so it became this, like I was looking for an excuse when we go anywhere social at all, me and a friend or whoever I was dating at the time, I think about like, let’s go there cause then I can drink early.

(13:39):
And now that I’m saying that out loud, I see like what an immense problem this was and I was on the verge, I could have easily become an alcoholic. And you know, my dad was absolutely an alcoholic and his dad was absolutely an alcoholic and everybody drank to be normal.

(13:56):
And I was on the verge of that and here I was holding down a six figure job. I was traveling for work, I had it all together, right? Like, look at this girl on the outside, I was working out and I think the alcohol also like it exaggerated other idols. It made me idolize my body even worse. And it made me have low self confidence and self esteem. I got plastic surgery for the wrong reasons and had to remove the breast implants later because I hated them.

(14:23):
And like all these things were happening and I’m not saying it’s alcohol fault, I’m saying it’s idolatry’s fault, because you say yes to one idol, what have you opened the door to? You know, all these other things. And so through my twenties, I just remember and something sticks out to me.

(14:39):
I would drink every night. So the guy I was dating at the time works nights so he would go to work and I just sit there with a bottle of wine, actually had a box of wine. Let’s call it what it is. And I’d go to the box of wine in the fridge and I’d have three or four large glasses and I’d sit there and watch trashy reality TV every night.

(15:01):
And I’d go to bed pretty verge drunk every day that I can remember, wake up with a massive headache, drink coffee, start again, you know, and at least three or four nights a week. And I just thought this was normal. I really never thought anything of it. And I think that’s the problem too. Until this day I was at work on the phone with my mom for something.

(15:26):
And I had created distance between she and I, because she was always, I knew that she was going to judge me for that. I hang out with my dad all the time because he’d be drinking buddies with me. So one day I’m at work on the phone with her for some reason and she says, around the age of 26 and she says, did you hear what you just said? And I said, no, she said, you said, I need a glass of wine. It’s 11 o’clock.

(15:51):
You just said out loud, I need a glass of wine. I think that you have a drinking problem. It’s the first time anyone had ever said this to me. And she said, I’ve been talking to this guy was dating at the time about it and we both think you have a drinking problem, but no one said it to you yet.

(16:06):
And she said it in such a way, this is not like her. Like my mom is someone who’s like, you be who you are and I’m going to encourage you. And I’m going to love you. And I’m going to worry behind the scenes. I’ll pray behind the scenes for you. I’m not gonna call you out. And for her to say this to me, I remember welling up with tears and thinking, do I really have a drinking problem?

(16:27):
And it was the first time I’d ever thought that. And I didn’t know, because I had never asked myself that question before. Anyways, hung up the phone with her and I was angry. I was like, how dare you tell me, I’m just having wine. Everybody drinks this much. We just go out and have fun, what’s wrong with this? Who are you to judge me? And I got super defensive and super angry.

(16:52):
And I don’t know how long I stayed in that angry place. Kept drinking, kept doing the things. And something started to happen where every time I would drink, I would think of that question. Do you have a drinking problem? No, no, not me. No. This went on for about two years. Now, I was lessening my drinking a bit. I had met my now husband and we were 27, you know, we’d still go out and do fun things.

(17:22):
And we went on a lot of vacations and he would drink with me, but he was just like, definitely not in that like party mindset. It was more of like, oh, okay, you just have a drink with dinner type mindset, which I’m like, what is that? You drink to get drunk? You drank to get a buzz on. And so we have this really different perspective, so kept drinking, but definitely less probably once a week at this point. But when I would, I would drink too much.

(17:46):
Did you let him see that? Did you let him say that the level of drinking you were, or did you have kind of an awareness that like, oh, he didn’t think this way, so I’m going to be a little more sneaky about it?

(18:03):
I didn’t sneak anything. No, and what’s even interesting is like, I don’t even know that we’ve had this full conversation. Like I don’t even know if he knows, cause I don’t even know that I knew like this was such a problem until you started talking about all these things and I’m like, well, you know, you know what, like I should talk about that story. Cause I think it was embarrassing.

(18:23):
I feel embarrassed of how I acted and those choices from the seat that I sit in now, I’m like I’m in heavenly places, like how absolutely ridiculous to treat my body this way to allow us a substance like this, to control my life and to have not have said no earlier, but at the same time, I’m like, why is that embarrassing? It is what it is.

(18:49):
And I’m going to use that as a lesson and hopefully together through today’s conversation, we can break some chains of people and you don’t have to wait 12 years to break the chains. If you’re listening to this right now, there’s something going on in your life and you don’t want it to be there anymore. You want to be free, but you just haven’t said and made the decision out loud to be done.

(19:12):
There’s so much power in just the speaking of it and saying out loud, that’s one of the things that I encourage the women I speak with, you know, have you declared it yet? Like have you even said it, have you gotten out of your mind and that’s what it took for you. I love that you shared the moment from what your mom said to the fact that it was a couple years.

(19:37):
I was the same way. And the only reason that I felt this like tug back and forth is because at some point I had asked myself that question, Huh? is this a problem? But then it went on. So there’s freedom and knowing that that’s real, but then the next step is okay, you’re at this place, you’re back and forth, you’re drinking less so then what?

(19:59):
And around the age of 30 my business crumbled in my vocational business that I was doing and my whole worth had been tied up in it, my entire identity. And I was still drinking at this point, anxiety attacks, you know, but on the outside, all the money, everything’s going great.

(20:16):
And so that was the moment when I turned my life to God, for the second time. I was saved at nine, but then at 30 I fully surrendered it. It was like, holy spirit, full out baptism in the holy spirit moment, like arms up weeping, sobbing, like I’m giving it over. And so at 30, when I spoke the words, like I surrender my life to you, I meant it. And I said, take everything that’s not from you and crush it in Jesus’ name.

(20:48):
I didn’t say that yet cause I was just new, I was a baby Christian. I wasn’t ready. I’ll say it for all you now though, I’m happy to pray with you today. Breaks some chains. But at the time I surrendered it all, Michelle. And so I’m sitting there and God begins to do a work in me. He’s doing a work in all these areas.

(21:08):
He’s asking me to lay this down and this down, he’s removing this friend from my life and this thing from my life, but I won’t give up the alcohol. I won’t do it. And we, every time we’d go to the cabin, well, I’m just going to drink this weekend. That’s fine. I talk myself out of it and I talk myself into it. I go just one night, so we’d get there and I drank them one night and something started to happen.

(21:31):
I started to have anxiety attacks. Every time I drank alcohol, I am talking debilitating, I would sit on the toilet that I throw up. Then I have full body shakes, cold sweats, heart beats, I wake up and look at my watch and it’d be at like 120 beats a minute in the middle of the night, every night. I’m like, why am I getting these panic attacks?

(21:55):
And I make every excuse because I’m traveling. It’s traveling anxiety. No. Oh, it’s cause I’m leaving my kids. That’s why, I’m out of town. At this point we only drank when we’d go somewhere. So that was good. It was less but I was still doing it and I was kind of asking God about it. Like Lord, what’s this anxiety attack I’m having and I’d pray. And I was about 31.

(22:22):
I’m 36 now. So it’s like 31-32. And I hear a God whisper, the alcohol girl. I’m like, oh, I can hear you on that one. I’m going to keep punishing myself for absolute… who knows why? At this point, I can’t even tell you. It was just the idol. It was an addiction to this concept that I needed it for something but fun, relaxation, fitting in with everyone else. I don’t know. Probably all of those things.

(22:55):
So I remember this went on for like a year, severe anxiety and I kept doing it, Michelle, and I talked to people. I’m like, do you think it’s the alcohol? And they’re like, oh, probably not, maybe, but nobody was like, if someone would, I don’t know what I was looking for.

(23:11):
What was I looking for? Permission to quit drinking, maybe? Anyway, I remember sitting down, it’s my husband and I anniversary. Don’t remember which one, we’re at this brewery. And I said, I think I want to drink. But I think also God’s asking me to stop drinking. I finally had this moment of like, I think God’s asking me to lay down alcohol.

(23:34):
So I prayed. And I said, Lord, I’m at a brewery with my husband. I’m going to drink one beer. If that one beer gives me an anxiety attack, it’s just one. I’m going to know, you’re asking me to lay it down. I’m going to lay it down completely. I’m going to quit drinking.

And I made a commitment to Christ in that moment, nurse one beer for two hours. That shouldn’t do anything to me, I should be great, I’m going to be fine. I went home and had the worst anxiety attack in my entire life.

(24:05):
He supersized it. He goes, you’re not listening to it so I’m going to show you.

(24:09):
I was so stubbern and he’s like, girl, I’m going to pull that rug underneath your feet. You are going to hear me today. So that was the day I decided to go completely sober. And that was roughly, I don’t even know. I was like 33, probably went completely sober for eight months, completely sober. I just woke up and was sober.

(24:34):
I could care less about alcohol. I made the decision. I made the promise to Christ. I decided to be done. And I don’t even remember it being hard. I remember being like, I’m free, the anxiety attacks washed away from me. My business exploded. Like when you laid down an idol, other parts of your life will be transformed because God is waiting for your yes.

(25:00):
So through that I had from 33 to today, He blessed me with the business I have, Michelle. He gave me the podcast dream. He started speaking to me more clearly. I have God sent friends that I can almost pinpoint to the day. I have a church relationship that I could not have had in that state. My relationship with my children is unbelievable and Christ centered.

(25:20):
My marriage is being led from a spirit place, all these things. So it’s so surreal to see, and I have had alcohol since. I would go, okay, cool. I’ve broken this thing and I’d have a glass of wine or like a, oh, what did we have at Christmas all the time? The one with the cream and the 7up or the cream and the Coke.

(25:44):
And I have one with everyone else at Christmas Eve. Nope. Like my taste was gone. I’m like, I hate it. It doesn’t taste good, and immediately I could feel like the rise of the panic, even with a few drinks. And so I would just put it away and I don’t want it anymore. And so it’s been so freeing to just admit I don’t drink anymore.

(26:09):
Thank you, Lord. It’s fine. And I can still go places with people and if they have a kombucha, I’m like, bring it on. I love me a nice, I can put that in a wine glass or whatever you need to do, but it’s like, there’s so much, I feel so free. I feel so clear. I feel so empowered. I feel like I’m walking in heavenly places at this point.

(26:32):
And I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone, but it’s like when you remove this idol from your life, these chains that you don’t even know where there are broken, you can walk out of this prison that you did not know you were in and you can become everything that God wants for your life. And you can have these beautiful God goals that He has for you in your marriage and your motherhood, in your body, and the way you love yourself.

(27:02):
And in your finances, you can have breakthrough, there is so much breakthrough, but you have to get to the, yes. And I promise you, but yes it’s harder to say than what comes afterwards. It’s breaking up with the addiction and it’s asking holy spirit to take over. And one thing I would say is like, make me hate alcohol, Lord help me, help me to hate this because I don’t even want it.

(27:26):
I don’t want to want it. And so when the taste started changing and the signs started coming, I couldn’t ignore them anymore. And I think when you finally listen to that and you surrender, your breakthrough is waiting for you and you can do this because you can do anything through Christ that strengthens you. You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to break the chains by yourself because you don’t have a sledgehammer that big, but He does. He will break your chains.

(27:57):
That’s beautiful. I got nothing. You just laid it down. You just laid it out there. I love it. That’s beautiful. I think that so many women will relate. What I just want to highlight before we go is just the fact that the first step is the saying yes, and the alcohol.

It’s all about what’s on the other side, all the freedom that comes and really stepping into what why you’re here. Like the reason that God put you on this earth and the reason you’re still alive to be able to say, Hey, I need to remove this, I want to remove it and make me hate alcohol. I love that.

(28:37):
So I feel led to pray with you ladies. Michelle and I are going to pray with you now and if you feel led you can close your eyes, you can pull over on the side of the road. You can pause this and come back to it later. You can save this and listen to it as many times as you need to.

But I believe that when we invite God into our struggle and we begin to surrender, there is an absolute transformation that’s waiting for you. There’s freedom. And so we invite you to pray with us.

(29:08):
Father, Michelle and I come together with every woman, man, person, listening to this podcast right now and we stand in agreement over your plan, over their lives. We ask you Lord in the mighty name of Jesus to break down any chains that alcohol has over their lives.

(29:25):
We ask you to crush any idol crush, any lie, any limiting belief, any story that the enemy has planted over, why they need it, why they have to have it, why it’s normal, Father. We ask you to wash that away by the blood of Jesus, right now. We ask you for a cleansing of their heart, of their spirit, of their soul. We ask you for a cleansing and a revelation that they can start fresh right now with you.

(29:51):
We ask you to place in their heart, a holy spirit tug to declare and decree a cleansing over their life, a freedom from the chains of alcohol addiction, freedom from the chains that are holding them from your story over their life, from your healing, from your purpose, from the redemption in their marriages, their motherhood, their lives, their jobs, their purpose, their finances. We ask you Lord, on the other side of yes, to pour favor and provision into their life, Father.

(30:22):
Give them the strength, give them God-sized strength, God-sized confidence to say that they are finished, that they are done. And we ask you to bring your mighty sledgehammer and to crush chains, today. We ask for freedom for these women. We ask you Lord to just be with them through the journey, to keep reminding them of their strength and their true identity that they need nothing from this world.

(30:49):
They need absolutely nothing because they have everything they need in you. We ask you for resilience and we ask you to just hold them tightly, as they say yes to freedom today. Oh, mighty God, thank you. We love you. We trust you so much in Jesus’ name. Amen.