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In today’s episode, my home-girl, Chelsi Jo Moore and I talk about FRIENDSHIP as adults. What it’s like to make friends in our 30’s or 40’s (especially online ones!) How to navigate making new friends as an adult, or an introvert. How to make sure your friendships are healthy and uplifting – AND, how to pray for God-sent friends.
We go deep on this topic, join us for laughs and fun.
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPTION:
Hey friends today, I have a special treat for you. We are going to be talking all about friendship, friendship as adults, as moms, as kingdom, women, as faith led women, as friendship evolves and changes and grows as we do. And I thought who better to have this conversation with than my friend, Chelsi Jo More. So I hope you guys truly enjoy this. We had a blast recording it for you and let us know what you think. Get in our DMS and Give us your feedback.
Sitting here with my girl, Chelsi Jo, and actually I messaged Chelsi the other night. And I’m like, I feel like I’m being prompted to have this episode on friendship. And then Chelsi pops back and she’s like, yeah. Like, I mean, friendships, such a thing that should be talked about. And like, even as adults and as business a minute, and as kingdom women friendship has evolved and transformed.
And so then I’m like, well, so like, should we jam on friendship together for our podcast? Yeah, let’s do it. Let’s go. So Chelsi and I are sitting here and we just want to have like this open conversation with you guys. Like, let’s just talk about friendship. I think it’s, it’s something that’s so important in all of our lives yet. It can be a lot at times it has seasons and ebbs and flows and it grows and evolves. And I’ve just seen my friendship life really transform and maybe the past year or so.
And so I’m looking at that, like what changed? So I think let’s start Chelsi with like, what is friendship? What does a friend, what let’s start there. Yeah. A really weird notion, right? This whole like full circle thing from, yeah. What is friendship?
Right. Just even sitting here, being friends with you now and, and what that looks like and how every person that comes to this conversation has a different definition of what friendship is, what it means to them. And I think that’s why it’s important that we talk about it because there’s a lot of skeletons in the closet when it comes to why we do and don’t have friendships and a friendship for me. And for a lot of people is going to be scary.
They’re going to associate the word, scary to it. Right. But truly it’s a place to rest. It’s a place to a place to have comradery like love and compassion and support. And it’s an extension of who we are, our friends and who we are, who we choose to be friends with is such a important part of our lives. And I think that’s why it’s so important that we do this, that we do this episode well, that we really dive into it. What does it mean to you?
Yeah, I think also you said something important right there. You said choose who we choose. So I think I want to highlight that and come back to that. Well, I was looking in the Bible. I typed in friendship and Proverbs 27, 17 poppy writing, which is as iron sharpens iron. So a friend sharpens, a friend. And I think for me, that wa that’s what really sums it up. It’s who are these people that I’m choosing?
Like Chelsi just said to surround myself with because the people that are, we are surrounded with, they are pouring into us and what are they pouring into us? Are they lifting us up spiritually? Are they giving advice from a pure heart? Where are they in their lives? And so when I’m looking at friendships, ideally, ideally my friendships would be those with those women, the ones that are going to sharpen me.
And I’m also going to sharpen them that this is a two way street, that they are going to be there emotionally for me when needed, because there are ebbs and flows. We have commonalities stuff that we’re passionate about, things that we love. We get along with each other, we lift each other up. I almost feel like recently these God sent friends that God is, we’ll talk about that in a moment. Does that even mean?
But I’m like when I’m talking to you guys, like these God chosen friendships, my spirit elevates in that moment. I’m like filled with like love. And I know I have so much support. I know that they’re praying for me, they’re with me. And it’s like this, just this different feeling. That’s what a friend, that’s what I want my friendships to be. I want them to be counsel wise, counsel support, strengthening, sharpening each other, coming from this place, reliability, loyalty. I mean, there’s, there’s a lot, there’s a lot.
Here’s the other thing when you talk about right, this word of choosing, like who are our, who are we choosing, but who are we not choosing? I come to this with a whole big bucket of who are we not choosing to be friends with. And I mean that in the context of, I’m always so reluctant to pick a friend, I would be the person that’s like, no, no, no, no, no.
Don’t pick me. Don’t pick me, no pick me because I’m this extroverted introvert. Right. And so it came, became very, very clear to me when I started really like blazing a trail in this online industry and in my nation and with this whole like motherhood and podcasting realm and just like really diving into the yak and the fear of it that I have the opportunity to choose some really cool friends, like stuffed gas, right?
Like, and, and there’s me at home. Like, no, don’t, don’t, don’t pick these friends, just stay in this place where you’re super comfortable. Because when you come to the realization that you could be the friend that sharpens another friend, all of a sudden, you put this responsibility on yourself to then level up to who you were designed to be.
And I think it’s so important that when you feel that calling to actually start choosing other friends, that you listen to it and that you do it, and then you go forward with it because there’s so much growth that’s going to happen in you, not just that friend, but in both of you, right? Because of that scripture that you just pulled out iron sharpens iron. And that was a huge thing that I was like, I had no idea that I was suffering from this ever. I had no idea.
And I know so many women that are going to come to this podcast are reluctance to wants to go forward with new friendships because it puts, it puts pressure on us to be the best version of ourselves.
That is so true. And I think I went through that recently too, right. Chelsi, where I’m like, okay, there’s these other, and I’ll just go ahead and open this conversation up with, we have the friendships we’ve we’ve had because of where we are. Are you at work? You naturally get friendships that are there. Where did you meet your friends? So where did you meet your friends at school? Sure, of course. They’re already there work. Okay. Your husbands spouse and hanging out with her.
Once in a while, I think there are friends that are friends that are born out of your environment. There are friends that you make a choice to begin cultivating that friendship with, with like, Oh, they’re so fun. They’re so funny. I want to be her friend and you put yourself out there to be friends with people. And then I think there’s this third tier, which I’ve just recently experienced in the past year or so maybe year and a half, which is God sent friends.
And it’s super interesting. Cause I look at my life and I’m like my capacity right now. I have a family, I have this business. I have a lot of people that I am responsible for pouring into. So my capacity to have true, real raw sisterhood, friendships like soul friendships. It’s very small. And so when we look at that, you have to really be careful and discerning over.
Are you taking environmental friendships? Is that really truly the godsend friendships that you’re supposed to have? The chosen friendships that are local to you? Or do you have some God sent friendships that are stepping in? And I was like, Ooh, I don’t know those God, those God’s sent friendships seem a little intimidating to me, I think is what Chelsi was saying. That was her experience too. Was can I I’ll just keep it acquaintance level with these people?
Cause like they’re, they’re above me. If we’re just being really honest, like maybe they’re spiritually farther along than me or they’re business. They’re farther along in business than me or I’m like, could I even be their friend? I mean, let’s just keep it business, but I kept, you know, God kept knocking on that door. Like you are supposed to be friends with that person.
And like the door kept banging until finally I opened it and I have, I think three true, serious God friendships that God just handed them to me. I’m like, okay. My life is different because of it because these women, they all have strengths in very different areas too. But they’re sharpening me in my areas where I am not 100% and we’re not 100% anything but not being intimidated when you get sent those friendships. Does that make sense?
No, it is absolutely what I experienced, you know, and what we do experience over and over and over again. And I, you know, that doesn’t mean to say, I realized at some point that I’m in a new season and so there’s going to be some differences in the friendships that I want to pour into and that I need to have pour into me. And what, what an important thing for us to sit down and think about anything.
Cause you y’all know if you don’t know this about me yet, you should know I’m all about not getting lost in motherhood. And so many times we’re so busy, trained to arrange play dates for our kids. And we’re trying to figure out date night for us and our spouses and when to clean your house and how we’re going to figure out how to create this business idea and all these different kinds of things.
And we forget about just sitting down and enjoying friendship and what a blessing and what a gift it is to be able to give yourself enough time. That for me, it looks like a couple hours a month where I just sit down and that’s not a whole lot, but right now I know that that’s what I’m called to do.
And I could very easily ignore that. Like I could very easily ignore two hours a month and just introvert into my little teeny, tiny life and never flourish in that way. And so I have learned just over the last six months or so how important it is to be open, to creating friendships that a either scare me or pull me out of comfort zone. And I’m like, wow,
You’re actually kind of cool as bad as you think you are. Because the things that
We tell ourselves, right, that truly can’t bloom, unless we’re around other women that are yoked to, to, to who we are and our husbands can’t always be that for us and our children can’t be that for us. And just acquaintances can’t be that for us.
But these deep and meaningful women that we need to have in our lives, you have to allow space for them. And I hope that this podcast episode gets your little wheels turning, thinking about who those women could be in your life, because it’s just,
Yeah. And I want to bring something up is what I used to think friendship was was as many people as possible, Oh, I have so many people and I can hang out with all of these different people. And again, back to this capacity issue of, I personally now, where I sit in my thirties is I would rather have a few very deep, meaningful sisterhood friendships than 10, 15, 20.
Now it doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of acquaintances because I do, but I’m talking about, I mean, my sisters in Christ where I’m like, I’m on the text or phone with you guys every day. There’s something that we are lifting each other up, keeping each other accountable, sharing a scripture, praying for each other. I mean, how incredible is that? And I’m telling you, my husband’s like, thank goodness you’ve got your spiritual friends.
Cause I can’t handle you when I’m like, so like what do you think about this thing? And then of course there’s things that we talked to our husbands about, or our spouse or our parents about that they can be that sounding board, but sometimes you just need a safe space to like, let your mind run wild in three in circles and have these founded friendships going, Hey, did you pray about that?
Did you look in the Bible about that? Let’s talk through this, let’s go through pros and cons together. Like just the other day I’m spinning in circles trying to figure out if we’re going to put my son in private school or not, because we’re still distance learning. I’m freaking out about what the future holds. I’m Tara keys in first grade, mind you, and I’m over here, like Chelsi in middle school, this is going to happen.
And she’s like, okay, can you just for a minute, like maybe start with the pros and cons list. And I’m like, no. Okay. I will truly, but like, and thank goodness I had Chelsi because Brad was just about to lose it on me. Right. So having those, do you have those, I’m going to put that question out.
Like I’d rather go deep. What about you Chelsi? And second have, do you have those friendships where you can be vulnerable, Ron honest and know that they are coming from this pure heart, this beautiful discerning place to support you and lead you back on the right path.
Yeah. So here’s the thing, answer that question with the pen and a paper. And then we want you to write down like everyone that you consider to be your friend. I had to do this for myself because I came to this space where I felt lonely. Not because I didn’t have time with Blaine, not because I didn’t have time with my family and people that cared about me, but I was lonely because I didn’t have a space to connect with other people that truly just understood me and saw me and wanted to pour into me.
And that can be a really lonely space. You may be lonely and have a list of a bazillion acquaintances. That would really be the tickets to saying, okay, it’s time to sit down and open up my heart and my minds to some really deep and meaningful relationships with women that are placed in my life.
Right? And you can’t force that to happen. So this is another really important part of this conversation is there are some of you that know you want some friends and you are willing to force that friendship to happen with just about anyone that will come your way. And if you’re in that position, ask yourself, what are you seeking validation over? What is it that you’re looking for?
Someone’s to validate in you that really needs to be validated by the Lord that you need to just sit down and be alone with yourself in and get that confidence there and give yourself time to nurture and develop and grow relationships. I spent a very long time and this is me and my nature. I’m reluctant at first. I stay in my shell a little bit and then I open up, but it takes me a while to find out who those friendships, what those deeper meaningful relationships are going to look like.
And so sit down and write that list out and, and put a little star by somebody that has a little bit of potential that you want to pour into a little bit and be okay with the fact that it might take a little bit longer. We have busy lives, really, really busy lives. And these are not things that are going to happen overnight. For me, I have a really, really good friend that has a ton of acquaintances, and it’s really hard for me to connect in a deep and meaningful way with a person like that.
And you know, Stefanie and I, we’ve both talked about this before, about how friendships can often morph into more like family members. And when you sit down and write that list, look at people that maybe you need to shift the way that you relate to them and figure out maybe are they more like family at this point? Or maybe are you just doing all of the serving and all of the support and they’re not giving any of that back to you and really take the time to evaluate these relationships.
That’s so good. So making the list and I will, I’m going to second what Chelsi said. So when I look at my list, I have people who, they were such great friends of mine for season, but they’re still on my list because I’m like, but wait, I feel bad. I feel like I have to keep this friendship. I feel loyal to this person and isn’t it going to be awful if I’m not forcing it to still be here, but you know what?
Maybe it’ll come back around. Maybe it’ll spark back up in the future, who knows. But maybe that friendship was there for a moment in time for a season, for a reason, whether it was you blessing that person or them blessing you or you guys being there for emotional support for each other. Let that be okay. I have some of those and I still know they’re in my life, but we only, we catch up every other month, if that right.
We’re like, Hey, love you. I still love you. How are you? Let’s we can grab a quick barbecue together and everybody can catch up. Those might be somewhat seasonal friends that kind of move into the acquaintance bucket. Then I have friendships who are like, they are godsend friendships, but maybe that person is growing. That person is doing some growing.
That person is going through some things on their own or maybe you’ve grown. And you’re at a little bit of a different playing field. I put those people in my family bucket because I love my family. My family is always here. I see my family for birthdays and events. I give them a quick phone call to say, Hey, I love you. How are you? Can I, whatever, pray for you here for here about your life. But they’re more of a, it’s more of a family perspective.
And I have some of those. Then I have the, like Chelsi said the ones with the little star by it who are like, this is my person. And this is my person right now. And this is my person that God’s asking me to circle. That means I show up for them and they show up for me now, is it seasonal? We don’t know, but we’re here for this. We’re here for this friendship at this moment.
And I think you’ll never know. And also who are you to dictate if a friendship is seasonal versus forever, because only God knows that and we can’t stress out about the outcomes. We just give our hearts, we sharpen each other. We bless each other’s lives. And we choose that right now. This is my person. And if it’s not your people anymore, that you are okay with that.
You can’t drag everyone with you, right? If we’re wearing all the prior friendships that we’ve had over all the decades of our lives, we’d be dragging 20, 30 people with us through life. That’s holding you back. And I don’t mean to say that from a place of disregarding people, I just mean we love everyone, but your daily capacity to be with someone, to text them, to voice them, to pour into them, to honor them, that is pulling from your life.
So make sure that that friendship is serving both of you and like for Chelsi and I, we don’t live in the same city. And so we are intentionally planning time together that takes money, takes travel, takes us away from our children because this friendship is worth it. Chelsi’s named, didn’t
Have a star by it. I wouldn’t be doing that. Yeah. And hard for us to try and figure out, you know, you, it’s, what I intend to say is this is not an easy process for a lot of us. And it’s not something that you really need to overthink. It’s just something that you need to be open to.
And we’ve been so blessed both of us by this recent shift and being open to friendships and robust friendships that we understand the blessing of it and wants to, to put it out into everyone’s earbuds, because I would have stayed in my shell for forever and I have to work really hard not to do that. And when COVID it hit, everyone was like, Oh my gosh, we’re all my extroverts. How are you? You’re dying. And I’m like, I’m having a party. No one has to beg me to go anywhere.
This is life I don’t. Oh, sorry. COVID I can’t hang out. Sorry. COVID sorry. I just stay home. I don’t know. I’m like, this is bliss. And then or a year in, I’m like, okay, I see what’s happening here. It took me longer, you know? And so then I intentionally started opening myself up and I thought, wow. And now when I go to places I’m intentionally more open and what a better, more beautiful world. It could be in our small communities, in our big communities.
If we could just think about what being open can do, not only for our lives, but for that other person. And I see this like really awesome game that happens like this, this, this chess board that’s already orchestrated for us. And when we try to hold onto old friendships, that’s then removing the capacity for that friend that you’re holding onto to have that new person come into their life that they really really need.
And so you can’t always be so upset by the fact that you can’t support that mom and her hard time in her life, because maybe you’re not even the person to do it. I know you’ve been friends with them for a really, really long time, but maybe you just can’t serve them as well as this other person that is waiting for the door to open that you literally will not let go of.
We just have to trust in that process. I think too, if I’m being really honest as a woman, I’ve struggled and I hear this from a lot of women to meet other female friendships. There’s a lot of judgment, especially in the mom’s space on what do you feed your kids and how many mommy roles do you have after you’ve birth your kids. Did you lose all the weight and did you breastfeed and like all this like mom’s stuff.
And listen to this. I showed up at a softball game for my daughter and it was our turn to hand out treats. And we also did Valentine’s gifts. Well, we’re a crafty family and we made bath bombs and I put them in cute bags and I got dissed. So hardcore from other moms for being that Pinterest mom and I was, my spear was broken and I felt like I needed to hide who I really was because yeah, I’m a Pinterest mom, stop making jabs at me.
I am, I love Pinterest. And I love making things look cute and sorry, I time blocked it into my schedule. Okay. I can teach you how to do that. Like, that was what I wanted to be like. But then I realized there’s a friend for everyone and it’s okay. Like I have women that will just honor and love the fact that I made bath bombs for Valentine’s day and put them in cute bags.
And so much of that happens and it makes us wants to go into our shell is the point. And we have to be careful of our responses. I had to be very slow to speak to that mom. And I just chose to say nothing because they couldn’t find words that would make her feel good in that moment when she made me feel bad.
And so really thinking about what this looks like as a, from a woman to woman, as a mom, to a mom, how we’re showing this to our children I think is very important because when I look at how my husband relates with other men, it is like completely different. It, his friendships are night and day different than mine. And there’s something really, I just don’t, I don’t think women are taught how to be friends with other women and what a beautiful podcast episode to do to be able to talk about it.
And I hope that you do take this to heart and think about how can you be more open to friendships and what do your current friendships need from you? What do you need from them and be open about that with the friends that you have right now. And don’t be afraid of what they have to say, because this is just a map, just as much about serving them as it is about serving yourself too.
Yeah. And can I just say Chelsi, I would have loved you even when you gave me the beautiful Pinterest bath bomb, because I am the mom I’m over here with like the Ziploc with, with the goldfish that I poured in this each Ziploc bag. I’m like snap, but guess what? Like, I love that about Chelsi and she laughs and loves my weirdness all the time. We are different, but here’s the thing.
We lift each other up in our strengths. We don’t judge each other. We are not casting down the other person to feel better about ourselves. And that’s what you need to ask yourself. Are your friendships lifting you and are you lifting them? And one thing we haven’t said yet, which is place your hands on that piece of paper with that list of friendships and just ask for God’s help.
You know, father, God helped me discern over this list of friendships, who is it? That’s meant to be in my life. Who did you send me? Who am I meant to partner with important to you and give my time and space to, and who of this list should I let go of, or, or at least step back from. I’m not saying you have to divorce people on your friend list, but maybe you just need to create some space. Okay.
You know what I’m saying? Like, take a step back, love them where they’re at and move them in the family bucket for a little bit and just create space. Because I, there have been times where there’s two instances, extraordinarily clear in my mind where I had the friendship that I know was not serving me. I was the one pouring lifting, carrying, but I felt bound.
We were family, friends. Everybody’s kids were friends. We went on trips with these people. And like I knew I’ve kind of, this just isn’t really serving me anymore. And I, people kept saying things to me like, how are you friends with that person? I’m like, quit. Like, it’s fine. And there was a moment where her true colors were all revealed and I had to step away from that friendship.
And it was excruciating. It was very painful for me. And it felt like my heart was ripped out of my body. Like it was just so painful. And it was during when my business crumbled and it was during when my life was kind of in shambles all at the same time, but not one week later, not one week later, God brought me a new God friend. And that friend helped me through all of that stuff.
That friend helped me through. She is now a family member friend. And it was beautiful how God worked through that. Sometimes when he’s closing a door, it’s because another is meant to open. So praying over that, trusting that God’s got you. Also like Chelsi said, just being open. I didn’t force any of the God friendships.
If he wants something for you, you really can’t stop it. Right. You’re like, she’s like, I have this friend for you. I’m just waiting for you to open up to it. And it’s, it was clear as day. It was super clear. And also the friendships he had for me, they kept coming back up. I’m like, Oh, I dunno. And like, whatever, three months later, same person. I’m like, Oh, interesting. Okay. And then like three months, same person.
And then we’re going to like, so it was like, it was already orchestrated. I didn’t have to force any of this. So all of that. So I think that brings me to this next concept of what about what if people are saying I don’t have friends or I’m too introverted. I can’t make friends because I’ve always been, it’s been easy for me to make friends.
And sometimes I’ve gone the other, other direction where I have too many, too many friends and they weren’t always the right type of friend. Cause I’m, I’m an, I’m an outgoing person. I’m also introverted in my little bubble, but I’m outgoing. So it’s easy to make the friendships. So what about the other opposite? End of that spectrum and Chelsi, that’s your forte. Cause you are like,
This is the funniest thing. So when we go to church and women come up to talk to me, I’m like dark, dark turn. The other way we’re playing. Are we ready? And it starts with that. It starts with just being comfortable with standing there and talking to somebody I’ve always told Blaine, like I’ve never understood. How do you just like talk to people in line at the bathroom? And he’s like, why not? And I’m like, cause I don’t like acquaintances.
I only have room for my and meaningful friends, but you’re never going to be able to, to make deep and meaningful friends if you’re not willing to have an acquaintance first. And so that means that you just have conversations with people. And what I didn’t realize is that I was making friends online and weird as that is, there are hundreds of thousands, probably millions of people that are, that are making really and marriages online.
Right. So I can, we make friendships online and there’s like a real thing. I had somebody reach out to me the other day and it was like, Hey, you seem like a really cool person. Would you want to have a virtual coffee chat? And I was like, that’s cool. Like that’s new and different and sure. Why not? You know? And so don’t just, don’t close the door on somebody wanting to get to know you.
And I think for us introverts, yes, it is our genetic mix up to just be introverted. Sure. But when I really sit down in the quiet and I think about that again, my husband has very much challenged me in this. And he’s like, what are you afraid of? Why don’t you want to do this? And the word judgment comes up every single time. I’m afraid they’re going to judge me and church for me is like the hardest place for me to get over that.
Like I’m so fearful of the judgment. That’s going to be placed on me from other women in my church. And so that’s the last place I want to open up and make friends. And so I’ve been praying change my heart here. Like something’s weird about this and when something’s weird, something needs to give. And so let’s just, let’s just have a heart to heart. And so I go into church and it’s like, Oh, and little by little by little I’m alone, knowing myself to be refined in this area.
And so it might take me longer to find these friends and it might take you introvert. That’s listening to find those friends and just tangibly find a local group that is walking with their moms and strollers in their community and be willing to see them or find a group that’s meeting online. If you’re in a space where you still feel like you need to social distance, I’ve, I mean, you can create masterminds.
Like I’ve created groups of women where you can get together and you can just talk online. Even if it’s just to talk about random things, find somebody that is like-minded and be willing to sit and have a conversation with them. It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends right away. It never means that it just means that you’re open to a conversation and just let that percolate. Maybe it takes a week or two.
And that is the most tangible thing that I could tell you to do is be one, be open to small talk with people and who cares, whatever your fear is, bring it to light and just get over it. Right? Because there’s so much abundance on the other side of that. And to put yourself out there, go into two spaces that have women that are doing similar as you, that you want to connect with because that’s where you’re going to find these friends maybe online or in person.
Yeah. Now to that point and here you go and you’ve opened up and you’re meeting all these cool people and you’re working on that. You don’t have like what Chelsi said, you don’t have to marry them. And I actually recommend you do not marry your friends right away. I think you date them for a while. Okay. You’re like, because you don’t know, just like you don’t know, someone’s true colors in the dating world for a while.
You’d also don’t know your friends, true colors truly for a while. Cause everybody has their best face forward when you meet them the first time. And so is that the right thing? Best foot forward anyway, you know what I mean? So it’s like, get to know people, date them. If you will go to coffee, keep it light, text them some, like I’ve also seen it where people are like, Oh cool.
Like I met you and now we’re ready to be best friends and I’m going to move next door. And like, here we go. And like, maybe you can just, we can homestead together. Like this would be so great. I’m like, hold up because I am going to be discerning over my friends because I don’t have the capacity to go wide.
So now I’m speaking to those of you who are very extroverted and open and it’s easy for you to make lots and lots of friends. Great. Be very kind and bless people with your energy when you’re around all of them. That doesn’t mean you have to take everyone in because now it’s pulling and stealing from the time that you have for the deep friendships from the time that you have with your children, with your motherhood, with your husband. So you have to constantly check yourself.
We’re constantly inventorying, who am I actually giving my time and energy to? Why is this truly one of my core peeps? And if not creating that distance again or saying, Oh, that person really wasn’t who I wanted in my core and my circle being okay with that too. And letting that that go.
I was just going to say, it’s just as much for me as an introvert to ask myself why I don’t want to make friends. It’s just as important for those of you that make lots of friends to ask, why do you want to make lots of friends instead of a few deep and meaningful ones? Like, why are you doing that? What don’t you want to, is it judgment yet again?
Is it really easy for you to sit underneath this space where everyone just knows a little bit about you instead of really opening up the inner workings of everything that you are to just a few people. Maybe that’s not the reason, but there is a reason why you don’t want to get super deep and meaningful with people. And I think all of this to say there is extreme benefit and just a blessing and allowing yourself to have deep and meaningful connections with other friends. Yeah.
What would we say Chelsi, to those women who they did the list and then they’re like, Oh, I have some friends on here who really got to go. Like they’re not making the list. If you know what I mean, I’ve been into this for too long. I’ve already known, I’ve had signs that this is not the right fit for me. What is our advice to that woman?
I think, I mean, the first thing that I’m always going to say is you got to pray over it first, get that confirmation from God. And secondly, I think, secondly, for me, it’s asking yourself, like, do you want this friendship to be repaired? Do you want this to be a core friendship? Because it could start with a conversation with them, but it’s do you want it? We shouldn’t repair something that you really don’t even want.
So I’m always asking my clients like, okay, wait, before you say you should do blank, blank, blank. What do you want? Cause we get to create the life that we actually want. We get to pick, we get to choose who our friendships are.
And that’s why I talk about friendships, moving to family. Cause then that’s a person who’s going to be there and that’s wonderful, but doesn’t always mean you have to talk to them every day. And then there’s friendships where we have to let go of. So I don’t know. What is your advice on this one? Chels.
This is my favorite thing that has helped me in all scenarios is instead of trying to figure out what you need to say no to you needs to know exactly what you’re saying yes to. And so if you know that you don’t want to say yes to this friend anymore, you don’t want to be in the text messages 24 seven. You don’t want to say yes to every single time they want to get together. You don’t want to say yes to that because you have these other things that you really know you’re being called to do.
That makes it so much easier for me to know where to put my time. And from a practical perspective, that’s why I use time blocking because I know exactly what I’m supposed to be doing with my time and my time right now only can say yes to a few external things outside of my main pillars in my life, which is my, my own personal time and motherhood and in marriage and my home and in my business.
And I know that that’s what I’m called to do right now. And so if I have someone and sometimes it’s even means family, right? They know like Chelsi saying yes to all these things right now. And so when your friends don’t make that list, that’s what you need to focus on. And I know that that’s hard and it seems harsh. But at the end of the day, like you just said, Stef, we get to choose. And this really is about living an intentional life.
The life that you were called to live, to intend to live that life every single day is what it’s about. And if you know that you’re not called to be all up in this friendship all day, every single day, you have to intend to be in the life that you know, that you’re called to be in. And so a lot of times it just comes right back down to figuring out where you’re going to put your time. And it’s very easy to say, well, you just can’t, you know, I’m sorry, I can’t
And being okay with that. Yeah. You don’t have to always say yes and nor should you, even to your, and, and, and another thing too, that gives you clues is when I pop into my friendships and I’m like, Hey, real busy, I’ll see you tomorrow. Nobody’s like, he didn’t answer me.
I’m like, you know, it’s like, we know, we know our priorities, the friendships that are really deep in my life, they have the same priorities I do, which is so awesome because there’s no weird conversation about you’re ignoring me or you’re not like we’re not in middle school, adult friendships with adult priorities that pour into you at the end, it like done. So let’s wrap this up with what we want you guys to take away from this. The first thing I want you to take away is praying over those friendships because God has people for you.
He has them for you, just like he has a plan for your life. Just like he has a plan for your business. Just like he has the breakthroughs that you, that you seek in your marriage and your motherhood and your heart and yourself and your mindset. He has the same friendships for you because they’ll help you get there.
So pray for them. Just like we encourage you guys to pray for your businesses and your motherhood hand it over to him. We have, sometimes you have to surrender the friendships. So that’s the first thing, the only, the other thing. And then I’ll pass it to Chelsi for her takeaways is I live. And something Chelsi said was making that list, inventorying the friendships to see what they currently look like.
Because if you don’t know tactically, what your friendships look and feel like, how can you make any changes? And then the, the last one for me coming from more of this outgoing personality is be very discerning over the people you are letting in, because it’s easy for me to have too many friendships, too many acquaintances, but I, I am choosing to go deep instead of wide.
Yeah. And be open. If you could walk away with anything, it’s just be open, be open to this process of opening yourself up to someone that feels like a complete stranger. And I’ll tell you, like the first time I hung out with Stef in person, I literally was having an out of body experience, right. Because oops, like I was like, what is happening?
And for me, I have this thing that I call emotional hangover. And some of you might have that you might experience that book be open. So I can have an emotional hangover just from like chatting with the friend at church while we watch our friends playing the grass. I’m like, who did I say to which I said too much, you know, be open, just be open and let the rest go.
And then my, my last takeaway for you is to just put it into play. So be open and put this into action. Actually do something about this. Don’t just listen to this episode, make your list and then just move on, practice it. The next time you go somewhere where there’s, that could potentially
Maybe be your friend, stand next to them, ask them what their name is. Be open to that process and try it out. Right. And if you’re the person that is like, okay, well, I’m trying to get rid of friends, practice that to practice putting your phone down and not responding to the second that they text you practicing. Hey, I can’t get together this week. Practice that and see how it goes.
Just one small step at a time as all you have to do and permission to also find friends online. Some of my closest deepest friends are online friends. And of course you’re going to meet them eventually because you’re going to make that a priority. But that’s okay too. And it’s actually super convenient. I have to be honest because we’re all over here, running businesses, running lives. And I’m like, awesome. You know, I’m going to pop into the box with Chelsi or with my other friendships.
And we poured into each other. And it’s our time together is much more intentional because we have to travel and do the things and it takes the money and the time and the focus. But it’s also, it’s almost more meaningful because when you’re together, you’re fully immersed in that friendship. So that’s okay too. There’s no right or wrong way to friend.
You can do anything. You get to choose who you get to choose All right, I want to pray over you guys now let’s pray over this and just ask God to bless this journey that you’re going on and seeking deeper, meaningful friendships father. We lift up these women that are listening to this episode right now that whatever they’re feeling inside, whether it be loneliness or they’re feeling overwhelmed with friendship, or they are feeling that pain of knowing that maybe that friendship isn’t from you.
It’s not a God-send friendship that you just pour into them. Peace, peace right now in their hearts father and, and show them that it’s going to be okay, that you have those friendships for them. And if they do have the friendships that you highlight, those friendships, bring them off the paper, let Holy spirit reveal to them who those true friendships are,
so that they can be blessed so that they can be anointed friendships that will lift up these women and encourage them pour into them and sharpen them that they may sharpen their friendships just as their friendships will sharpen them. We trust you. We love you. And we surrender this friendship process to you. And we, we are so grateful that your hand is always on Every ounce of our life. Jesus name. Amen.
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